It’s been 2 years, 3 months and 25 days ago that I last wrote on my blog. That post, One more Step, was about the loss of my sister, Melanie. This new post will make more sense if you read that one first.
That last post sure sounded like a positive person had written it. But, I was anything and everything but positive. I was hurting. Through all these months I wanted to share the truth of what my heart was feeling, but I couldn’t. I tried…well, not really, but I wanted to. The words just wouldn’t come. Most days blogging was the furthest thing from my mind, but there were also days I had a lot to say. Thankfully I knew better, because I am pretty sure none of it was worth saying. Most of it was sad words and wouldn’t have been a benefit to anyone…most especially me.
I’ve enjoyed writing for most of my life…I am not a scholar or an English major. I am just me, a person who likes to write the things I see going on around me, my life, my family and God. It actually brings me joy to share my life. So, when I allowed my joy to wane, blogging was the first to go. I actually let go of everything that brought me joy. I could put on a good face, learned to be a great faker. I built a wall, a tall and thick wall. There were very few that were allowed into the fortress I had built around me…and those few were only allowed at the door, no one was allowed all the way in. I didn’t want anyone to know the pain and hurt I was hiding….I wasn’t allowing anyone to see that I was hurt and vulnerable. I was afraid to show the weaker side of who I am. But, alas….after these years of building a wall I am finally breaking it down. It’s gonna take a while, but I am slowing allowing people in to see the vulnerable me.
My hope is that in the days and weeks to come I am able to share my heartache and struggle with others. I want to write words of encouragement and I hope that my story of loss will benefit others going through a similar situation. Loss is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you different. All of us deal with it in different ways. God created each of us with a unique personality and that allows us to deal with things differently. My way might not be the ‘right’ way or your way, but I can learn from you and hopefully you can learn from me.
ached aches at the loss of my sister. It’s been a long journey to get to where I am today….I am at a point of understanding. Understanding that His ways are higher than mine…that He knew her time here was complete.
So, reflecting back on the blog post from March 24, 2015 (31 days after Melanie passed away) I want to say ‘dance, little sister, dance. And today I mean it sincerely.